This is about me, not so much Lu...Day whatever

Listening to Macy Gray Radio on Pandora, I heard her cover of Radiohead’s “Creep” for the first time. That intertwined with as good dose of Adele and Nora Jones, and I was lost. While today was an ordinary day, I feel anything but.

I can’t really say what brought me here. I started the day with one goal: to sew myself a dress. Not a fancy dress, just a simple pattern-less dress I saw on Pinterest. It turned out a terrible mess. Three of me could fit in it, and none of us would look good. My day was wasted, being who I am, that’s a big deal. I missed out on time with my one-year-old daughter, who is growing up way too fast.

Friends, who happen to be my parents’ neighbors, had their first child today…a little boy. While I am happy for them, I am sad too. Their newborn little boy won’t be so very long. Time is greedy and will elapse impatiently, as it did for another neighbor on Mom and Dad’s street. After a long battle with cancer, he passed away today. In one twenty-four hour period, Riverside Drive welcomed one new life, and said farewell to another.

This blog devoted to the ever-amazing Lulu, so I must mention my girl. She too adds to my sense of gloom. I see in her eyes, the longing to run and play again, to take part in life on her terms. It deeply hurts me that I can’t give her that back. And, I struggle with our decisions. Is she happy enough to be with us, or are we selfish to keep her here?

Before I could dwell too much on my Lu, I received a message from an old friend asking me to call him. The tone of the message left me concerned, but as it turned out, he only wanted my input on his seventeen-year-old daughter pursuing a career art. Having my Masters in Fine Art, I was happy to discuss this with him, but I was surprised when our conversation left me feeling nostalgic and empty.

And then, thinking about the past, I began to miss my best friend, my husband. We haven’t connected in a real way for a long, long time. I miss him, but I’m not sure what to do to make things better between us. And, as it happens, he isn’t home tonight, which make my loneliness more acute. So, I’m alone, feeling sad and nostalgic, listening to depressing music that Pandora calls Macy Gray Radio.  

IVDD Episode 2...day 64

Wow...it's been too long since I've blogged. I wish I could say there have been major changes, but things with Lu's health are pretty much the same. We're still seeing Dr. Krausser for therapy. Lulu makes progress, but it is such small steps that I feel more hopeless sharing these changes than just keeping them to myself. It's not that I've lost hope all together, it's just sort of depressing sharing the news of tiny changes like a twitching tail.

But, we do have good tidings to share...Lulu finally received her custom cart from Eddie's Wheels. The cart arrived this past Thursday, and Bill and I were so excited for Lu to try it. I waited until Bill returned home from work, so that we could both witness her first steps in the new wheels. We strapped Lu into the cart, and then looked at her expectantly. She looked back at us like, "What am I supposed to do now?" So we both started calling to her, but nothing happened. So we enticed her with cookies, but nothing. We even broke out a banana, which she loves, but she wouldn't budge.

Knowing one of Lu's greatest loves in life is going for walks, I thought, "Let's try this outside." So we bundled up the baby, put both dogs on leashes, and headed outside. Sure enough, Lulu was moving in no time. I think she was so excited to be out on a crisp fall evening, that she forgot about her disability and just became a dog again. It was an amazing experience to see.

That first time out was very short lived, as Lu tired very quickly. The next day, I tried it again, wearing Mia, the baby, on my chest, and handing an exuberant Gus and a curious Lulu all at the same time. I won't go into the complications of this, but I will say, Lulu was much more confident this time around.

IVDD Episode 2...day 32

After what we had hoped was an awakening of nerves, we began the week somewhat expecting to see obvious signs of progress. Unfortunately, no miracle occurred.

What did happen this week wasn't what we planned. First, Bill had been working on constructing a cart aka "a dog wheelchair" for Lulu. He's pretty handy guy and thought it wouldn't be that difficult. He had ordered parts from various sources and found a lot of interested and supportive people along the way. But, after countless attempts, we could not get the cart functioning properly, and Lulu was unable to use it.

To add to our disappointment, my hope for Lulu was dashed by a chiropractor I met at a networking event this past Monday. While he and I were discussing Lu's case, he unceremoniously said that if she hadn't shown signs of movement in her back end by now, it wasn't likely she ever would since nerve tissue dies after trauma like hers. Lamely, I protested, saying that there had been some twitches and spasms. While he seemed like a nice enough guy, the expression on his face indicated to me that he felt sorry for my nonacceptance of the matter.

While Bill and I were disheartened by the issue with the cart and the comment by the chiropractor, Lulu did have a chance to be a bit of herself this week. I had yard work to complete before the weather turned too cold, so I brought the baby, Lulu and Gus outside with me. It was a joy to see Lulu patrolling the neighborhood again, even if it was from the sidelines. She seemed rejuvenated after her long break outside in the grass, and has shown more spunk ever since (though Lu has never lacked in the spunk department).

 

 

We visited the good doctor for another acupuncture treatment this afternoon. I found it sadly disappointing to relate that no real progress occurred during the week. Regardless of our feelings over the stagnation, Lulu received her treatment with an almost serene attitude. During therapy, Dr. Krausser and I discussed the issue of the malfunctioning cart. I told her Bill and I decided to set aside our prototype and purchase a cart from a company that makes them to order. I had talked to one of the owners of the company yesterday afternoon. I told Dr. Krausser that my conversation with the woman gave me back a little bit of hope, as she shared with me that the company was founded after her own dog became paralysed with IVDD. Her dog had used a cart for six months before regaining the ability to walk. She said that in her experience long recoveries are often the norm in cases of conservative care IVDD.

 

In addition to getting Lu wheels, we decided to try a Thunder Shirt, a compression garment meant to calm dogs. The item works sort of like swaddling an infant, and Dr. Krausser thinks it may have the added benefit of relieving spinal inflammation. So far, I do think Lu seems more relaxed, but I want to give it a few days before I form my final opinion.

 

 

 



Like any good story, there should always be the element of surprise, and this post is no exception. After a long day of hauling around a paralysed dog, pacifying a teething infant, and trying to give a moment's attention to Gus, Bill comes in from taking Lu potty and says, "Watch this." He sets Lulu to standing, and for a moment, she holds herself upright on shaking, whithered legs. I was amazed! Bill propped her up again, and Lu stood there briefly for a second time, then a third and a fourth. I asked, "Did she just start doing that?" He replied that she did it this morning for the first time, but he forgot to tell me. What? He forgot to tell me? While I'm dumbfound on how one doesn't recall such a powerful display of intention, I can't be angry because I'm so very thrilled that hope may be more than just a dream.

 

 



IVDD Episode 2...day 26

We're coming up on a month from the onset of this latest episode of IVDD. I really wish there was greater progress at this point, but yesterday's therapy may just have been the turning point for which we were waiting. While undergoing a particularly aggressive session of electroacupuncture, Lu suddenly jumped up to a seated position and cried out as if in pain. No one wants to see their pet in distress, but on the other hand, experiencing pain means that she has some amount of sensation. Dr. Krausser ended the electroacupuncture treatment at that point, since Lulu was giving us all signs that she was done for the day.

As usual after acupuncture, Dr. Krausser spent some time manipulating the muscles in Lu's legs. She uses various techniques to do so. Earlier in the day's session, Dr. Krausser had made a disappointing comment that Lu's hind legs seemed weaker than they were during Monday's therapy. But as she tried her strength again, she found that Lu's right side (which has consistently been her good side), was remarkably stronger than it was prior to acupuncture. In fact, she was able to support much of her weight on that leg. While obvious signs of significant impairment to Lu's back end remain, Dr. Krausser believes we may have awakened nerves in her back and leg when she cried out in pain. We're hanging on the hope that this might be true.

IVDD Episode 2...day 21

It is hard to believe it has been three weeks since this latest episode of IVDD. By now, we were hoping to see stronger signs that recovery would come, but we can't wait forever. It's time Lulu got her legs back, even if that means her legs will be made from two kick ass wheels and light weight frame...more to come on that.

Lulu saw Dr. Krausser twice last week. Both Dr. Krausser and I believe there has been subtle signs of progress. Both back legs now display some twitching and small muscle movements. These are heightened by the electroacupuncture therapy. I recorded a video on Friday during our session, which I've posted here. This gives us hope, but it is hard to remain optimistic when things are progressing so slowly.

IVDD Episode 2...day 15

Living with a paralyzed pet and a four month old infant really makes the time fly, but not in a "time flies when you're having fun," way; more like a "life is so hectic I don't have time to think," kind of way. Between bringing Lulu to therapy, cleaning up after her, and caring for my daughter, I feel like I'm getting nothing else done.

Yet Friday's session was positive. I was very excited to tell Dr. Krausser about Lu's progress. But because another dog was in surgery that day, and Dr. Krausser was running late. I use this rare free time to work with Lu, manipulating her legs in hopes to bring about a greater amount of muscle activity. I wanted Dr. Krausser to see the change in Lulu for herself. I was really getting into it, bicycling her legs like she was about to take flight, when I saw the muscle twitching. I mean I SAW it! Before I'd only FELT it. I thought to myself, "Where is that doctor? She needs to see this too!"

Let me tell you a little bit about Dr. Krausser. She is fairly new to veterinary medicine, but she's a mature woman, probably around my parent's age. She explained to me that veterinary care was a second career for her, but it was always something she had a passion to do. She combines her love of animals and traditional medicine with Eastern and natural medicine. I would describe her personality as gentle, compassionate, quite and aloof, especially aloof.

Back to my story...enter Dr. Krausser stage left. I tell her about the changes we've seen in Lulu. Here I thought she'd be surprised and elated, but she expressed less excitement than I anticipated. I was a bit disappointed, and to top it off, as I was relating the news Lu's leg muscles calmed. While Dr. Krausser prepared the needles for our session, I began to pump at Lulu's legs again, wishing for the same visible reaction I'd seen only moments before. Sure enough, I was able to produce the same quivering; excited, I said, "Look! Look at her leg!"

Absentminded as usual, Dr. Krausser didn't seem to realize I was speaking to her. I exclaimed, "Look at her leg!" Dr. Krausser slowly turned her head towards Lu and said, "Oh, that's good." I thought to myself, "Good? It's great! It's movement we haven't seen before!" In the end, Dr. Krausser was happy to see the changes, but was quick to remind me that we have a long way to go, and that progress is not always linier. We may see a setback before we see more progress. I hope, and she hopes, this isn't the case.

IVDD Episode 2...day 11

I almost hate to admit this in fear that I may jinx it...late last night, after Mia was put to bed and Bill and I had our dinner, I began working with Lu on her therapy. Everything was progressing as normal, until I started on her hind legs. Part of the therapy for any paralysed individual, whether dog, cat or human, is to move the affected limb in the full range of motion. As I began to do this on the right hind leg, I sensed some resistance, but wasn't sure. I thought to myself, "Perhaps this is wishful thinking?" But that slight feeling of tension didn't seem to be going away, so I called Bill over to get his opinion. After a few minutes of manipulating her leg, he agreed; something was different. As we began to get our hopes up, we felt another change: the bicep muscle in that leg was twitching continuously. We sat there with her smiling, our hands on leg, enjoying the feel of a muscle coming back to life, at least we hope.

IVDD Episode 2...day 10

Lulu had another acupuncture session yesterday at Prairie Side in Kenosha. We've been clients of the clinic for less than ten days, yet we've had more appointments than most people have in an entire year. The staff is all very friendly, and Dr. Krausser is so compassionate. I know everyone there wants to see Lulu recover, which makes it all that more dissappointing when I have to report no change.

Here's a picture of Lu hooked up to the Electroacupuncture machine. While this doesn't hurt her, she isn't very patient with the procedure and so she looks very stiff.

IVDD Episode 2...day 8

It's hard to believe it's been a week since the beginning of Lu's latest episode of IVDD. She still has no ability to move or feel or her back end, but her mental state is pretty good considering. She is alert, and interested in her surroundings. The pain seems to be under control, however there is still a good deal of stiffness in her front legs due to these limbs overcompensating for the lack of control in the back part of her body. In addition to the tension, she also has nervous jerking of her front end and startles easily.

We still have hope that Lu will regain function of her back legs so that we can rehabilitated her to walk again. At her acupuncture appointment on Friday, Dr. Krausser and I saw a tiny twitch in a toe on her left back leg, and another in the bicep muscle on the same limb.

http://www.caninebodybuilding.org/assets/dog_muscles.jpg

While these tiny twinges give us hope, the paralysis is disheartening. I can't tell you how many times a day we wash her bedding after a bowel movement, or instill in you the forlorn look on her face when she wants so much to get up but cannot.

Yet, there are times I'm so proud of her desire to be herself and carry on, like when I was cooking
for her this weekend. She has a bleed somewhere in her digestive track. Dr. Krausser believes that it is likely stress-induced colitis. Anyway, I was instructed to put her on a bland diet of beef and rice, and to supplement that with Pepcid. As you probably know, dogs LOVE the smell cooking of beef. As the smell wafted through the house, Gus came running to the kitchen. Within seconds, I hear a thump, thump from the family room where I left Lulu in her bed on the floor. She had dragged herself from the bed and traveled a couple feet towards the door. I wasn't planning on giving her any of the beef and rice mixture until morning, but after that display of determination, how could I not? After I gave her a sample, she bestowed upon me wet kisses. I haven't had the pleasure since this thing started. I was honored.

IVDD Episode 2...day 6

I'm surprising calm about Lulu's condition. I think that being a mother has put things in perspective for me, in that I've come to terms with the fact that there are many things in life that are totally and completely out of my control. When it come to my daughter, Amelia, those things include when she sleeps and wakes, when she eats and is satified, when she needs attention (which is practically all the time), and, of course, when she needs a diaper change. It's always something.

My first serious lesson in control was at Mia's birth, that's what we call Miss Amelia most of the time. Anyway, it went completely and totally opposite what I hoped for in a birth. I wanted a natural birth, free of intervention and medication. What I got was an induction, with practically every intervention and medication that contemporary medicine has to offer. But, in the end, the most beautiful and perfect little baby girl was bestowed upon me, and I finally understood what other mothers told me: it doesn't matter how the child arrives. It really doesn't.

So back to Lu. She's a mess, but I love her dearly. I have come to accept her the way I accepted Mia's birth. It doesn't matter how I get her; I just need her to come through this latest episode whole in spirit. So if she remains paralysed forever, if she is incontinent forever, if she needs us in ways most dogs don't forever, I accept the challenge, because I love her.

IVDD Episode 2...day 4

Lulu and I had a very busy day. She accompanied me in her crate to Grandma's house with the little one. Our boy, Gus, was at Bill's mom's house for a play date since he's getting very little attention right now. Anyway, Lulu and I went back up to Kenosha for another acupuncture session with Dr. Krausser. This appointment wasn't as successful as Monday's. Perhaps due to all the running around today, Lulu was agitated and refused to relax and settle into the therapy.

Dr. Krausser shared our disappointment that Lu still seems to have little to no feeling in her hind legs. The only sign we had of progress was that Lulu wet herself last night. While some may think that's a problem, it takes muscle control to empty the bladder; dogs with advance paralysis, like Lulu, are unable to urinate without assistance. So, a wet bed is a good sign.

Speaking of urine, Lu is very dehydrated. Knowing this, we're really pushing fluids, and she's responding well.

Lu will be back to see the good doctor on Friday for another treatment. We plan to try a couple different things in hopes to get her to relax and heal. More on that later.

IVDD Episode 2...day 3

Our worst fear came to pass. Lulu has had another episode of IVDD (Intervertebral Disc Disease). For those unfamiliar with this devastating condition, PedMD defines IVDD as, "Intervertebral disc disease (IVDD) is a condition where the cushioning discs between the vertebrae of the spinal column either bulge or burst (herniate) into the spinal cord space. These discs then press on the nerves running through the spinal cord causing pain, nerve damage, and even paralysis."

Read More http://www.petmd.com/dog/conditions/neurological/c_dg_intervertebral_disc_disease

Lulu's first episode of this occurred in 2010. You can read all about it on this blog. Back then, we opted for surgical correction. It was extremely expensive and recovery was difficult on all of us, but especially painful and frightening to Lulu. Even if another surgery was free, I couldn't put her through it a second time.

So more on Lulu's condition today. Lulu is paralysed from somewhere behind the shoulder down her hindquarters. She is in pain, she is scared and she is stressed. We are trying to treat her conservatively yet humanely. She is on a pain killer that targets nerve pain (Gabapentin), and a muscle relaxer (Methocarbamol). We opted to take her off a second pain killer (Hydromorphone), because it has caused dysphoria in the past and it seemed to be causing this again. She's also seeing a talented and loving holistic vet, Kristine Krausser, DVM,  at Prairie Side Veterinary Hospital in Kenosha, WI, who has her on a schedule of acupuncture treatments and has ordered her Chinese herbs for supplemental therapy.

We have to do everything for Lulu. Bring her food. Administer water through a syringe. Express her bladder so that she can urinate. Clean up after her when she has a bowel movement, since she has no control over those muscles. We have to flip her over regularly to prevent bedsores. At least twice a day, we have manipulate her body through a series of physical therapy movements to maintain muscle tone. We have to do this all while caring for a four month old daughter, another dog and each other. But, we aren't ready to give up on our Lu. We have hope she'll recover.  

Day 200

Is it a coincidence that on the one day I have fifteen minutes to pause, reflect and post about Lu, it happens to be day 200? Since I lost track of how many days have passed a long time ago, and doing the math seems daunting, I had help from the calculator on the ever-useful website, www.timeanddate.com, to determine just how long it's been since Lu's surgery. And, as life sometimes goes, things aren't as well as we hoped or expected.

Lulu continues to struggle with strength, flexibility and balance. She falls often, especially when excited. And, when this happens, her bony backside makes a sickening thump as it meets the ground. I often wonder, just how bruised her sit bones must be? To make matter worse, she continues to pull muscles in her legs. Just this passed Sunday, she pulled a muscle in her right leg, which is typically her good one since her left leg has impaired function after the procedure. It's a sad site, to see little Lu hobbling around on her bad left leg while carrying the one that's normally strong.

Just before Christmas, Bill took Lu back to see Dr. Wood at Veterinary Specialty Center, to address these issues. Dr. Wood cautioned that we were not doing enough to keep her limber or to strengthen her legs. Since then, Bill and I have been seeking options for the therapy we once thought we could accomplish at home. We are now evaluating two facilities: Veterinary Specialty Center, where Lu had her surgery, and TOPS Canine Complex, just down the road from us. We haven't made a final decision, but we do agree, Lu will be worth every penny.

Xmas 2010

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Day...

It's always difficult to pick up again, after a long time away. I often wondered, these past few months, when I would come back to this, tell my story and explain why I've been silent.

Instead, I need to warm into it, not be too serious now. So I'll start back humor.

Several nights ago, I was reading in bed when Bill came in to let Lu and Gus out before being put to bed. Gus was waiting anxiously by the French doors, and Bill was looking side to side, front to back, calling, "Lulu? Lulu?"

I looked up from reading, confused. I asked, "Are you serious right now?"

Bill replied, "Yes! Where is she?"

I giggled. Bill said, No, really! Where is she?" Then he realized that all the while, he had little Lu tucked under his arm.

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Day...

Bill and I were fast asleep when I was suddenly awaken by the sound of the door abruptly creaking open and knocking into the wall. Startled, I immediately jumped up which woke Bill who asked, “What’s going on?” I thought there was an intruder, but no. It was Gus. He somehow managed to escape from his nightly confinement in the laundry room. He thought he’d get to stay with us since was there already anyway. Sorry, nope. He scared the life out of me.

Day...

Image by Denis Collette...!!! via Flickr

My rabbits were gone. We released them in the forest preserve across the river from my parents' house. I was only consoled by the fact that I was going to get my own dog.

My mom and I drove to Wisconsin one weekend to see a litter and we picked a black female Labrador Retriever. She was the runt of the litter. I named her Magic but she immediately followed me everywhere and my mom convinced me to change her name to Shadow. It suited her; Shadow was always a step behind me.

Shadow was a great dog. She was intelligent, loyal and eager to please. She was house trained in a couple days, and knew the basic commands: sit, stay, down and heal at 9 weeks old. As she matured, she honed her skills. I would walk her in the forest preserve off leash and she would stay at my left side until I gave her the command, "free." Then she would run ahead, sniffing and exploring. She would get about 20 feet or so ahead of me and then as if on an invisible lead, she wouldn't venture any further. Instead, she'd turn around and look over her shoulder. After a couple minutes, she'd come back to me. She always returned to my side in a perfect heal until I let her go again with a joyous, "Free!"

Day...

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It's hard to keep track of the days now. It seems like so long ago that Lu was incapable of sitting, eating and urinating let alone walking on her own. She's certainly not 100% but she's improved greatly. It's hard for Bill and I to see the changes sometimes now that she's so much more like herself. Bill's mom was over Friday and she was surprised by how well Lulu was doing in comparison to where she was about a month ago.

We did witness a surprising improvement this is week. Lu has been able to jump up on the sofa on four or five separate occasions. The first time was a week ago today. Bill was moving towards her with the intention to pick her up to place her on the sofa. She was stubbornly trying to avoid him. See, she's grown weary of us picking her up. Much like a teenager, she's decided to defy us now that she's gained a measure of control. So every time one of us goes to her, she backs up or attempts to out maneuver us. So on this occasions she was doing just that when she found herself cornered and the only place to go was up. To all or our surprise, she made it! A day or two later, she did it again in order to get a better look at a person walking down her street. She was so excited to see Grandma, she showed off her new skill then too. While this is impressive, more often than not, she doesn't make it. Then she falls back on her bony backside with a horrible hollow thump. Poor thing. But she isn't deterred.

I returned to work this morning after two weeks of working from home. Lulu was not happy as you can see from the cold shoulder she gave me this morning.

Day...

I lost Shadow when she was only 8 years old. She was my first dog, really my dog. Not the family dog, she was mine and mine alone.


One summer the family dog, Wicket, part Labrador part something tall and lean and named after the popular Star Wars series, found a rabbit’s nest. Before we knew something was wrong, she killed all but two babies. The little ones she did spare were so tiny, only hours old. Their little ears were closed buds and their eyes were shut. My sister, Heather, and I were not going to let those babes die. So we each took one, fed them kitten formula with eye droppers, massaged their bellies to make them defecate and basically slaved 24 hours a day to ensure those little guys survived. But, this isn’t a story about rabbits.

Regardless, those two little bunnies thrived. They grew into fighting, thrashing, scared to death, I will fight to the end, I am wild, machines. And so, my dad confronted my sympathetic mother, my mother who championed my sister and me, who paid for nourishment for the little guys, and he said, “They have to go. I don’t care if you get her a dog (meaning me) but they have to go.” And so Mom arrived at my bedroom door and told me it was time. They were wild! My consolation prize would be my own dog. And so we found her in the paper several weeks after the teary-eyed release of the kicking, scratching, ready-to-go rabbits. That little black Lab was and always will be, my Shadow.